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Tuesday 23 June 2015

17 RELATIONSHIP ADVICE FROM A DIVORCED MAN AFTER 16 YEARS OF MARRIAGE


My advice after a divorce following 16 years of marriage, by – Gerald Rogers
Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done differently... After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here is the advice I wish I would have had...

(1)    Never stop courting: never stop dating, never take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would own her heart and fiercely protect it.
This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with.  
 Key word: Never get lazy in love.

(2)    Protect your own heart: Just as you committed to being, the protector of her heart you must guard your own with the same vigilance.
 Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.


(3)    Fall in love over and over again:  you will constantly change. You are not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other every day.

She doesn’t have to stay with you, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

(4)    Always see the best in her: focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love.

 Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

(5)    Take full accountability: for your own emotions; it’s not your wife job to make you happy, and she can’t make you sad.
You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and love.

(6)    Allow your woman to just be: when she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it; it’s your job to hold her and let her know its ok. Let her know that you hear her and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean.

The feminine spirit and emotion is about change and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and not judging, she will trust you and open her soul to you....don’t run away when she’s upset. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotions.

(7)    Be silly: don’t take yourself so damn serious. laugh and make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

(8)    Fill her soul everyday: learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and cherished.

Ask her to create a list of 10 things that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

(9)    Be present: give her not only time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully with her. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is

(10) Be willing to take her sexually: to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.


(11) Don’t be an idiot: And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposes to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

(12) Be vulnerable: you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.


(13) Be fully transparent: if you want to have trust you must be willing to share everything especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know I she will like what she finds, part of that courage is allowing her to love you fully, your darkness as well as your light.

Drop the mask...if you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be

(14) Never stop growing together: the stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. A trophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

(15) Don’t worry about money; money is a game, find ways to work as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.


(16) Forgive immediately: and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold your hostage.
 Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. Forgiveness is freedom. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love

(17) Always choose love: always choose love in the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage .love will always endure.    

Relationship is about work, commitment to grow together and willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.

 Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.

There are lessons i learned in the hard way. These are lessons i learned too late. But these are lessons i am learning and committed in carrying forward. In due time i will get married again, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

Source – Russell.org