Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s
something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective
of things I wish I would have done differently... After losing a woman that I
loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here is the advice I wish I would
have had...
(1)
Never
stop courting: never stop dating, never take that woman for granted. When you
asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would own her heart
and fiercely protect it.
This is the most important and sacred
treasure you will ever be entrusted with.
Key word: Never get lazy in love.
Key word: Never get lazy in love.
(2)
Protect
your own heart: Just as you committed to being, the protector of her heart you
must guard your own with the same vigilance.
Love
yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your
heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready
to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else
enter there.
(3)
Fall in
love over and over again: you will
constantly change. You are not the same people you were when you got married,
and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will
come, and in that you have to re-choose each other every day.
She doesn’t have to stay with you, and if
you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or
seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight
to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.
(4)
Always see
the best in her: focus only on what you love. What you focus on will
expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be
bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love.
Focus
to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know
without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as
your wife.
(5) Take full
accountability: for your own emotions; it’s not your wife job to make you
happy, and she can’t make you sad.
You are responsible for finding your own
happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and
love.
(6)
Allow your
woman to just be: when she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it; it’s
your job to hold her and let her know its ok. Let her know that you hear her
and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always
lean.
The feminine spirit and emotion is about
change and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain
strong and not judging, she will trust you and open her soul to you....don’t
run away when she’s upset. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t
going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and
emotions.
(7)
Be silly:
don’t take yourself so damn serious. laugh and make her laugh. Laughter makes
everything else easier.
(8)
Fill her
soul everyday: learn her love languages and the specific ways that she
feels important and validated and cherished.
Ask her to create a list of 10 things that
make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday
to make her feel like a queen.
(9)
Be
present: give her not only time, but your focus, your attention and your
soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you
are fully with her. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is
(10) Be willing to take her sexually: to carry her away in the power of
your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and
to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her
feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.
(11) Don’t be an idiot: And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will
make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn
from the ones you do make. You’re not supposes to be perfect, just try to not
be too stupid.
(12) Be vulnerable: you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing
to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.
(13) Be fully transparent: if you want to have trust you must be
willing to share everything especially those things you don’t want to share. It
takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t
know I she will like what she finds, part of that courage is allowing her to
love you fully, your darkness as well as your light.
Drop the mask...if you feel like you need
to wear a mask around her, and show up all the time, you will never experience
the full dimension of what love can be
(14) Never stop growing together: the stagnant pond breeds malaria, the
flowing stream is always fresh and cool. A trophy is the natural process when
you stop working a muscle, just as if you stop working on your relationship. Find
common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.
(15) Don’t worry about money; money is a game, find ways to work as a
team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to
leverage both persons strength to win.
(16) Forgive immediately: and focus on the future rather than carrying
weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold your hostage.
Holding
onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your
marriage and will hold you back. Forgiveness is freedom. Cut the anchor loose and
always choose love
(17) Always choose love: always choose love in the end, this is the only
advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your
choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage
.love will always endure.
Relationship is about work, commitment
to grow together and willingness to continually invest in creating something
that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.
Marriage
is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and
learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and
perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.
There are lessons i learned in the hard
way. These are lessons i learned too late. But these are lessons i am learning
and committed in carrying forward. In due time i will get married again, I will
build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.
Source – Russell.org