Relationship is not about having a handsome boyfriend or
having a pretty girlfriend... it’s not about trying to make things perfect
because there are no perfect relationships, even God after creating things
never said they were perfect, He said they were good.
MUST READ: Relationship; what's working, what's not and why?
But you can make your relationship “good” by finding someone
who matches you, someone who will accept the worst of you and will go through
everything without giving up on you...
Do you ever wonder why some relationships fall apart? I’m
going to discuss here some relationship turn offs that separate lovers from each
other unless it’s fixed soon...
Relationship don’t always fall apart because lovers cheat on
each other or argue until one of them opts out, the truth is, relationship
always fall apart because of disappointments and resentment.
Ego has a role to vitiate many relationships not only with
people who are dating but can also ruin friendships and put a gap between family
members..
Everyone has ego. We all are born with it. It operates based
on the reality principle, which strives to satisfy our needs in realistic and
socially appropriate ways. And if these needs are not satisfied immediately, the
result is a state of anxiety or tension which is a factor that affects our
relationship
According to Sigmund Freud’s Psychoanalytic theory of
personality, personality is composed of three elements.
(1)
Id
(2)
Ego
(3)
Superego
These three elements work together to create complex human
behaviours. I’m going to explain these three elements so that you can
understand...
The Id: sends a signal that you are hungry, The Ego: tells
you to eat, while the Superego: tells you the ideal way, where and when to
eat...
When you have a misunderstanding with your lover, the Id
tells you something is wrong, the Ego tells you to react (he/she is wrong, you
are right, you are not a fool)..... While the Superego satisfies
the Ego
impulses through a process of delayed gratification.
It will eventually allow the behaviour, but
only in the appropriate time and place, but in cases where your ego overrides
your Superego it leads to arrogance and pride.
If lover understands the way they live in a relationship, it
will ultimately lead to blossoming of the relationship to the next level.
ARGUMENT
Nothing is gained in an argument; it only adds fuel to the
fire and creates more distance between two loved ones. John Gottman, a psychologist discovered that
the way a couple argue is a big predictor of whether they’ll breakup. If their tiff
contains criticism then the relationship is heading towards meltdown.
When you criticize,
you over-generalize negatively about your partner’s identity... this is one
useful idea i got from one of my uncles, whenever argument erupts between
himself and his wife, all he choose to do is remain calm and be silent on the
issue, I asked why he reacts that way and his response was that he value his
relationship more than his ego.
Apologizing, being calm, or being silent does not always
mean that you’re wrong and the other person is right. It just means that you value your
relationship more than your ego.
Try all you can to use your ears and not your mouth (be a
good listener), don’t see every argument as a game therefore cultivate the
habit to skip the ‘’E’’ and let ‘’go’’
A MUST READ: How your relationship affect your life span.
JEALOUS THOUGHTS
Jealousy and Ego isn’t necessarily a bad thing, its human
nature but can be very destructive if you allow yourself to be obsessed by the
thoughts running through your mind. If your partner is out with his/her friend,
you can convince yourself that he/she is cheating on you. Of course, an argument
will ensue and your partner will be frustrated about the accusations.
If the
pattern repeats itself, he/she will become resentful and eventually want out of
the relationship all because of a fictitious story that you allow your ego to
create in your head.
UNWILLINGNESS TO CHANGE
Many individuals with unhealthy ego feel that they have no
need to change any aspect of their life. This unwillingness to change, to
accommodate or hear others can prove problematic...
Let’s say your partner is frustrated with you in one way or
the other and really needs to express something about that to you. How do you
respond? Some change (listening and burying your ego) and willingness is almost
always necessary when crafting a mutually respectful relationship.
LEARN TO HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP
Couple who are always squabbling...
Mike has been married for 5 years or more, and he and his
good wife Emily are almost always squabbling. He’s either insulting her or she’s
insulting him in private or public.
Along the line, a medical nature was bothering Mike, so off
he went to his doctor for a check-up. He wasn’t expecting anything particularly
dramatic, but from what he heard from the physician that day, he had only
ninety minutes to live.
He went straight to his place of work and ask his colleagues
the best way to spend his last ninety minutes and they told him the best way is
to spend that time with his family, have sex with his wife... their response
seems pleasing to him, so he went straight to get his wife a flower with nice
fragrance and then to his house...
He tried to have sex with his wife in his own way but his
wife wasn’t pleased with him and disagree, so he left the house both insulting
each other.
Surprisingly, ninety minutes passed by and Mike was still
alive. His wife was called from the hospital. She was told the state of her
husband’s health as well as the stipulated length of time he had left and how
he had to follow the treatment program to the letter, and get plenty of rest to
maximize his chances of living.
Emily’s single-minded concern for her husband health and
comfort was complete. And if a pain-wracked Mike did allow an occasional
hurtful remark to pass his lips, she found it pretty easy to ignore it.
Ironically, this was in some ways the happiest period of their
marriage. A blissful feeling of intimacy, such as neither partner had never
dreamed possible. Emily’s obsession with Mike’s welfare left her with no time
for extraneous thoughts, and Mike’s appreciation and admiration grew stronger
day by day.
After eight days of living peacefully together, Mike died...
so painful
Who could have taught a medical issue can bring Mike and
Emily so close to the point that both of them had to let go of their ego to
enjoy their relationship. They definitely would wish they had more time to
spend together.
Relationships are meant to be the most beautiful part of
human life, but unfortunately, it turns out to be the complicated one if the
word EGO sets in. And to enjoy the beauty of your relationship you have to deal
with your ego.
Here are a few tips on how to solve ego issues in a
relationship.
Always compliment your partner
It’s okay to be a good critic when dealing with friends or
co-workers. But with your partner, you have to learn to think and speak, as one
bad comment can spoil the relationship. At work you are the boss but in your
relationship, no one is the boss. So learn to appreciate and compliment your
partner every now and then. This will create a healthy relationship and will
keep your ego at bay.
Understand Each Other’s Weakness
Respecting difference of opinion can help to avoid ego
clash. Everybody has some weak points
and that becomes part of their personality. You need to understand that and
love your partner for the person he or she is. Doing this can help to avoid ego
problems in your relationship.
Stop praising yourself
Always praising yourself in front of others doesn’t really
help to impress them. It feeds your ego and makes you overconfident. This can
ultimately result in ego clashes in relationship. If you have the habit of
telling others about your achievements or success every time, then you can get
trapped with ego problems easily. It shouldn’t be always about ‘’you’’ but
‘’us’’.
Practice Tolerance.
In order to let go of your ego, you have to consciously
practice tolerance. This doesn’t mean that you set aside your sense of
self-worth. It’s all about creating a mindset that people may be different from
you and have different ways of expressing themselves and finding a way to live
with them.
Controlling your ego is the best thing you can do for
yourself. If you can’t put your ego aside and let it go, you will continue to
have unhappy and unsuccessful relationship. Always learn and try to let go and
cherish your relationship.
---- stay healthy.
What do you think about this article? Is it professional,
boring, dry.....?