I once saw a goalless football game where the away team needed a goal to qualify for the next round and there were less than thirty seconds left in the game.
The away
team needed a touchdown to win, but everything was against them making a score
in that amount of time. The game appeared to be over, and the home team and
fans were already celebrating. Some people were even leaving the stadium.
But the away team and coach didn’t give up or
let their morale fall. Instead they pulled an unlikely play out of their book,
and through the most astonishing sequence of events, the away team made a
winning touchdown in the last few seconds of the game.
Our relationships
are like that football game.
You and your partner are a team, and one of those
things that makes our relationship a success is knowing that when things are
tough and down to the wire, and the relationship is heading south (unhealthy),
all we have to do is, believe that up to the very last second everything can turn
around. But that solely depends on the
team’s expectation.... The away team never accepted the idea that, this
is the
way it should be. And their
expectation to make things work out the way they wanted became their driving
force.
In my last post on 7 secrets on how a healthy relationship turns unhealthy, I discussed some characteristics of unhealthy relationship
and in this article I’m going to be sharing with you on how to fix unhealthy
relationship.
Fixing an unhealthy relationship and maintaining a healthy one takes
work. You have to show love and support your partner, Communicate with each
other, surprise your partner sometimes...like putting love notes in secret
places like his/her shirt pocket, trouser, novel or books.
Imagine how excited your partner
will feel when he/she finds them. Keep the passion alive, and try as much to
use other methods if one isn’t working... the away team were stereotyped with
their style of play for ninety minute and they got their long awaited
breakthrough when they pulled an unlikely play out of their book.
Let’s take a
look at some things that have to be in place to make a failing and unproductive
relationship productive again only if there is enough energy left in the
relationship to give them fuel they need to repair and recommit.
Ignoring our partner when things aren’t
productive in our relationship destroys more relationships than we can ever
imagine. Stop ignoring your partner and stop doing things differently.
Those who are in healthy, long-term relationships understand that the key
to anything ultimately boils down to communication. Talking calmly however,
about what is bothering us is essential for working through issues.
Our partner cannot possibly know
how we feel and what to do about it unless we create a space where we each can
safely share our feelings.
One of the best ways to make things work very fast is to start doing
things in common, proving to your partner you really value the relationship.
One person cannot be the backbone to the entire relationship; the very
definition of partnership implies the participation of another for a common
goal.
(2)
Reflect on your role in your relationship
Reflect on the same issues and challenges that come
up in your relationship and take your time to consider how you have contributed
to those issues and challenges.
The best way to make things better is to stop those things... For instance, you over react on things and your partner have complained about that and you aren’t showing any signs of correction, this habit can simply makes your partner uncomfortable with the relationship.
Figure out how you have contributed to those things that cause turn-offs in your relationship, and after you have done that, try to improve yourself in those areas.
The best way to make things better is to stop those things... For instance, you over react on things and your partner have complained about that and you aren’t showing any signs of correction, this habit can simply makes your partner uncomfortable with the relationship.
Figure out how you have contributed to those things that cause turn-offs in your relationship, and after you have done that, try to improve yourself in those areas.
(3)
Make
your relationship a priority
Have
you wondered actively about dating someone else? You should try not to fill
your mind with thoughts like this.
One of the biggest issues facing relationships is the fizzle-out, but learning to rekindle the excitement and thrills is one of the keys to a long-lasting relationship.
Try all you can, to do things you do in the early stages, complement each other, exchange gifts and express gratitude by thanking your partner when deserved.
You should also move closer and study those who are into healthy relationships, ask them for their advice on those things that they do in their relationship in which you are not doing...
Don’t get me wrong, I never said ‘’compare’’. This will only complicate issues. Don’t compare other relationships with yours. All you need from them is what they do and how they do those things that make their relationships healthy. Sit and think on how to make use of those pieces of advice given, to fix your relationship.
One of the biggest issues facing relationships is the fizzle-out, but learning to rekindle the excitement and thrills is one of the keys to a long-lasting relationship.
Try all you can, to do things you do in the early stages, complement each other, exchange gifts and express gratitude by thanking your partner when deserved.
You should also move closer and study those who are into healthy relationships, ask them for their advice on those things that they do in their relationship in which you are not doing...
Don’t get me wrong, I never said ‘’compare’’. This will only complicate issues. Don’t compare other relationships with yours. All you need from them is what they do and how they do those things that make their relationships healthy. Sit and think on how to make use of those pieces of advice given, to fix your relationship.
(4)
Trust each other
One of those things that ruin relationships is when partners find it so hard to trust each other. Trust is the bedrock of what makes relationships work.
It is the fundamental process of love and intimacy and when trust goes out, safety, security, respect, love, insecurity and fear also go out gradually.
Understand that it is not as easy as telling someone to trust you again especially if you have severely wounded that person’s heart causing them not to trust you.
One of the ways in fixing an unhealthy relationship is by raising the pillar of trust that has fallen.
Renewing trust is not just a decision, it’s a lifestyle change. It’s about making things up with your partner. Keeping your relationship clear and open is a valuable process.
Talk about what made you do what you did and give your partner time to express their feelings, don’t be defensive, be open and with all sincerity. Renew your vow to your partner and then focus on all the positives of the relationship.
One of those things that ruin relationships is when partners find it so hard to trust each other. Trust is the bedrock of what makes relationships work.
It is the fundamental process of love and intimacy and when trust goes out, safety, security, respect, love, insecurity and fear also go out gradually.
Understand that it is not as easy as telling someone to trust you again especially if you have severely wounded that person’s heart causing them not to trust you.
One of the ways in fixing an unhealthy relationship is by raising the pillar of trust that has fallen.
Renewing trust is not just a decision, it’s a lifestyle change. It’s about making things up with your partner. Keeping your relationship clear and open is a valuable process.
Talk about what made you do what you did and give your partner time to express their feelings, don’t be defensive, be open and with all sincerity. Renew your vow to your partner and then focus on all the positives of the relationship.
(5)
Establish safety
If this is a relationship you really wish to
resuscitate, make it clear that you are not there to fight. Make it known to
your partner that you care, though this can be challenging, because it is easy
to focus on the disappointments, frustration or feelings of betrayal.
Making up for your mistakes goes beyond promises. It’s all about showing your partner how committed you are to saving the relationship.
(6) Spend more quality time together
Making up for your mistakes goes beyond promises. It’s all about showing your partner how committed you are to saving the relationship.
(6) Spend more quality time together
Spending more time doesn’t literally mean that you should spend every waking
moment together, but more quality time to learn something new. Do something
exciting together to make the wounds heal.
Fixing a bad relationship can’t happen in a day. It takes continuous work
to make it happen.
It doesn’t matter how long you have been sober and struggling, you can
overcome an unhealthy relationships by developing a new patterns of
communication and considering those factors discussed above to help you achieve
the love you want in your life....
-what are your own ways of fixing unhealthy
relationships?
Relationship counselling help youths to grow and manage their differences
in intimate relationships..
Email Syfur counselling unit:
olabode@syfur.org